The New Concept of Family

I grew up in a loving family - with a father, mother, sister and brother. A large part of my childhood was spent in Catholic boarding school, so I did not get to spend a lot of time at home. Vacations were something I looked forward to - time to go back home, eat Mom's cooking, sleep in late, road trips with my Dad, enjoy local cuisine, catch up with old friends and an overall sense of being pampered. Once I got married and moved to the U.S., I found myself slowly moving further away from my family. No one's fault really. Just the phase of growing up, taking responsibility for our own lives, new players in the family circle through marriage, jobs, moving away, etc.

It is 25 years since I moved to the U.S. While working in the U.S., I longed for a way to get back to living and working in Singapore so that I could re-establish my relationship with my mother, brother and sister. People kept telling me that it was not a wish that I should foster. Yet, this dream too came true. In 2001 I worked for a company that had offices in Singapore and I got to live and work there for a year. I got to know my mother, brother and sister better. It was great to take the train to work with my sister, to have lunch together, to be part of mundane everyday happenings in each other's lives.

Eventually, I found that regardless of how much I longed for a close and loving relationship, it was not something that was going to happen. We all grew apart again, misunderstandings and conflict ensued. It was an interesting dance to observe - we would be amicable for a while, then conflict would invariably occur, we drift apart, then come together again....and the cycle continued for years. An important lesson was gained from all of this experience. As human beings, we all have good and bad in us. When conflicts occur, if we could hold on to two thoughts, life would move on in a healthier way. 1) Problems occur because two or more people are involved, so each one must take responsibility for their part; and 2)immediately take time to think about all the good the other person has done to balance angry thoughts. You see, if we take responsibility, forgive others and ourselves and remember the good, it opens the door for compromise.

My new family is made of good friends - people who are on the same mental and spiritual journey as me. People who are willing and want to play this new relationship game. You see, I also realized something else. All parties need to want to play the same game. So, it is time to let go of the old with love, compassion and forgiveness and to bring in the new with a feeling of gratitude and joy. To have finally gotten to a point when I am surrounded by a family that showers me with love, support and respect. It is indeed a good place to be.

What about you? Have your relationships changed as you have grown older and moved on?